The jeans from before time began and from before the eighties as well

BY TAHI MOORE

I've been looking at Levi's, because they were quoted on a number of occasions as being the best jeans. I haven't been looking in shops, just at what people wear. Now except for a cuople of times, every pair of Levi's that I saw were absolutely not what I would wear. Not that they were bad, but most of the time, they were mid-blue, that's like baby blue, stones washed, eggshell blue, sky blue. Essentially I'm talking about an eighties technique for prefading that is from the time of drum machines as a geniune attempt to replicate an actual drummer.

Okay, so these jeans were eggshell sky baby blue, flecked with white and shapeless, which is fine, it's a particular type that's endured for a while, I suspect because when you want to buy the basic no-nonsense jeans that don't cost an extra ten or five hundred dollars, that's what you get. When I went to Farmers, this was the basic model, NOT plain dark blue actually kind of fits but isn't skin tight.

Other Levi's I saw had silver dots on the back pockets, not being satisfied with having the back pocket art that nearly all other jeans replicate, these Levi's replicate Levi's. Okay so a lot of people obviously buy them, but this detail highlights the idea that the original can only be brought into existence through look alikes, and when you become aware of having the original product, it probably is simply copying itself, or something quiffy about how jeans are jeans and names are names. But what I really wanted to get to was that there are so many kinds of Levi's that there has to be a kind that's right in there somewhere. So I'm no longer saying Levi's are the best jeans. The best jeans are now the ones that work for you, and watch out for the back pocket art. You might be able to live with it, but it is evil, and can turn on you at any moment.

So where do you go to get Levi's? I have been told that there is a Levi's shop in Dressmart at Onehunga that might stock the mythical plain jeans. Due to warrant of fitness circumstances, this pilgramage to these jeans before time will have to wait till next week.



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Chess

BY KATE NEWBY

Chess.

Depends on how you feel and what you’ve got available to work with.

Somehow it seems to work best for me in the mornings. As much as I like getting on with errands in the a.m. (it is my ‘peak time’ of the day) it is also when I focus on the game a lot more. I think about 8.30 would be my pick if I had to name a particular time. It gives me enough time to make breakfast before leaving the house and then I can also coincide it with my morning coffee.
I seem to always go to Alleluia for it. This is a convenience thing but I also like the space up there because you can sit at a table, be in the daylight and also have lots of room around you from the other patrons.
Also, the staff are friendly and not bothered by the fact that I will sometimes sit there for long periods of time only ordering one or two coffees.
Recently I have being thinking that there are 3 kinds of chess in my life. There is a ‘Normal game’ when you met your opponent and have a game. Then there is ‘Speed chess’ which is also when you met your opponent and play but you end up playing several games with ‘Speed chess’ because depending on what time you set your chess clock; the game never lasts more then 10 minutes. That’s five minutes each to put someone in check.
Then there is ‘Internet chess’ when the game lasts sometimes up to several weeks. A good place to play this is on Facebook or another one I like a bit better is www.realchess.com. ‘Internet chess’ is funny because you can take days to make a move. For instance in my current game of ‘realchess’ I have not moved since Saturday as my opponent just put me in a tricky check-fork position and took my rook and so I have exploited the fact that I can sulk and prolong the inevitable. Playing chess on the Internet is good but it can drag out. You headspace can vary so much from the morning to the evening and then from day to day that I sometimes find this irritating and not a benefit. I also get a bit lost with it in the way that it can also feel like an unwanted text-message that you feel obliged to answer, if you are playing in person you have made a commitment for that game and you just get on and play.



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There is Nothing Good on T.V. (I'll Love You Forever)

BY HENRY OLIVER

From: Viewer Correspondence
To: henryoliver@gmail.com,
Date: Aug 23, 2007 2:11 PM
Subject: RE: Complaint - A Programme - Seinfeld

mailed-by tvnz.co.nz

Aug 23


Reply


Hi there,

Sorry for the delay getting back to you.

Thank you for your feedback, we love to hear from our viewers what they enjoy watching on TV2. We will most certainly take your views into consideration for future programming decisions around this time slot. Many New Zealanders enjoy watching Friends and the ratings on this run are higher than the previous run. 6pm on TV2 must always have broad appeal for non-news watchers and must also be G rated so it limits us for the programmes that are available to be screened in this slot. Unfortunately Seinfeld was proving problematic in that many of the themes were too adult and so we were unable to screen future seasons of this in this early slot. It will screen in a more suitable slot

Thanks for your email.

Kind regards



Christine Wilton
Communications Executive


-----Original Message-----
From: henryoliver@gmail.com [mailto:henryoliver@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, 22 August 2007 11:47 p.m.
To: ViewerCorrespondence
Subject: Complaint - A Programme - Seinfeld


Name: Mr. Henry Oliver

Email: henryoliver@gmail.com

Age: 25-29

Gender: Male

Location: Auckland

Subject: Complaint Regarding A Programme

Programme Name: Seinfeld

Comments:
Hey TV2,

What happened to Seinfeld?

Put it back on and I'll love you forever.

Yours,

Henry.

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Good Radio

BY FIONA CONNOR

It is Sunday and this morning I was lucky enough to listen to the radio in bed, The National Program and it was awesome.

I am living above my parent's garage at the moment which is great (at the moment). I hear them arrive home daily, sit in their cars and wait to catch the end of the show they are listening to. I think this means it is good radio.



The other day I too found myself outside a friend's house sitting in the car listening to the National Program waiting for the segment to end. I think it was an interview with the New Zealand pop sensations Garageland who have decided to reform, the interviewer was challenging: when Mr. Garageland compared himself to the driver of Pavement she said "can you really make that comparison" and he answered intelligently talking honestly about the funny situation that it is being in a band and touring extensively.



This morning I lay in bed trying to rationalize missing out on the peak nesting season of gannets at Muriwai because I was glued to the radio. There was a panel of ministers talking about what it is actually like working in parliament- a kind of day in the life of a cabinet member- they were all actively engaging with the story and each other and it really felt like it was coming from behind closed doors. After this piece of illuminating journalism they played this totally exotic sounding a cappella song that nicely put the whole thing in perspective.



I used to listen to it a lot. Like a lot a lot, but like any radio station you do this to it went from being completely transparent to completely opaque, I went off it. Now after a break I once again set the dial in my errand wagon to 101.4 FM and am treated sporadically to funny music and broad national reporting, a cup of tea for the ears and I'm back on it.



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Savour and Devour - 478 Richmond Rd, Grey Lynn

BY AMBER EASBY

Admittedly, I was in a bad mood when I arrived - deathly hung over after two bottles of vino and a marathon Scrabble sesh the night before. I was hoping for a quiet brunch, ideally at an outdoor table. I wanted food that would heal me. I guess it was the wrong morning to try somewhere new.

First sign that I was not going to enjoy my brunch

They were playing Massive Attack. The last time I enjoyed Massive Attack was in 1994 and I was on magic mushrooms.

Second sign that I was not going to enjoy my brunch

The outdoor ‘garden’ was completely covered. It was a beautiful day and it was fucking freezing out there. I opted to sit inside.

Third sign that I was not going to enjoy my brunch

They use swivel chairs. It felt like Monday morning and I was eating breakfast at my desk.

Fourth sign that I was not going to enjoy my brunch

The café was full of parents ignoring their screaming children. One eight year-old boy was talking on his cell phone while his folks sat at ANOTHER TABLE!

Fifth sign that I was not going to enjoy my brunch

The menu was a little too ‘funky’. Normally, I am a fan of the twist-on-an-old-favourite but not this morning. I ordered Baked Eggs with bacon and creamed spinach ($14.50). The meal was nicely presented – a small fry pan, containing the said ingredients, and two slices of toast. Unfortunately, the spinach ‘creamed’ the rest of the dish. It was like eating a bowl of chunky Carbonara sauce. Gross.

The one redeeming element: counter service. As soon as I was done with my meal, I was able to leave. Not even the selection of baked goods could tempt me to return.



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An Open Letter to the Men of Auckland

BY SALLY CONOR

Dear Auckland Guys,
I’ve known you for a while now and one thing has become clear: you need help. In so, so many ways… but mostly in the way you dress.
It’s just not that hard. It’s actually pretty easy to look okay and get girls to like you. We are base and mostly quite shallow and we talk about your butts at least as often as you talk about ours. Probably more. Seriously. Here are some foolproof tips just in case you’re finding it all a teensy bit confusing.

WEAR MORE CORDUROY
I was in the queue at the Grey Lynn Woolworth’s with a friend recently and we were distracted mid-sentence by a particularly fine pair of green corduroy trousers. “Look,” my friend whispered urgently, “Hot Dad in cords!” The fact that he was a Dad didn’t have much impact on his hotness but the corduroy sure offset his nice butt.
Corduroy is good for a number of reasons. Firstly, it isn’t denim. Jeans are cool and generally look good but they’re the lazy option. We all wear jeans when we can’t quite be bothered. Like jeans, corduroy looks better the more you wear it, BUT it comes in more than one colour and feels nicer.
Which brings me to reason number two: corduroy is pretty much velvet, but in stripes. Chicks like things that feel nice on their lady fingers. Just watch a man who is wearing a velvet jacket and see how girls like to run their hands all over it. Corduroy achieves this soft effect but without the risk of making you look like a pimp.
The third thing in favour of corduroy is its associations. Cords evoke images of wooden shacks, forests, fireplaces, pinecones, bears, whittling, pipes, etc. They are worn by nice homely guys who are good with their hands, have perfect stubble and smell of sawdust. The Diet Coke guys probably wear them when they’re not lowering themselves into elevator shafts or cleaning office windows. Even if you like computer games, smell of cheese and have trouble squeezing out a few weak pubes on your upper lip, you will benefit from corduroy’s inherent earthy manliness.

WEAR A SUIT
Seriously. I cannot overstate the effect of a good suit on a susceptible girl. She will be putty in your well-tailored hands. I have a collective crush on everyone that works at Crane Brothers because they always look so goddam amazing. Structured clothes do everyone immeasurable favours and whatever imperfections you have or are in denial about will be compensated for by a sharp dart and a well-proportioned lapel. Guys, it’s official: it’s okay to wear suits again! We don’t mind! Really! We like it! And I haven’t even gotten started on the three-piece yet. Ohmigosh.

CHOOSE YOUR SHOES CAREFULLY
Ask any girl: shoes are key. You can tell EVERYTHING about a man from his shoes. Your shoes are probably the first thing we check out, after hair, eyes, teeth and butt, all of which you can’t do much about (more on hair later). In general, sneakers are good. It’s pretty difficult to get this wrong. And yet, so many seem to. It doesn’t matter how state-of-the-art the little see-through gel bit is in the sole, running shoes are bad bad bad! Any sneaker that looks like you might actually use it to exercise, does not belong on your foot in public, unless that public is the gym. They always look ugly and stupid. Don’t argue with me on this. I have done surveys. It’s The Truth. Even better than a well-chosen sneaker is a good lace-up leather shoe. The laces are important – slip-ons are almost always a terrible idea. Particularly if they are shiny and black and good for wearing to The Viaduct. Slip-ons make you look like you are wearing something huge and oblong on your foot, like a toaster.
You can’t beat a cool brown leather lace-up brogue for top marks in the footwear department. Or a nice boot with a bit of a heel. It makes a cool noise and you will look a bit like Wyatt Earp. Which brings me to:

WEAR A GUN-BELT
Has anyone seen The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford? Holy Moses, there’s something about those gun-belts. The way they slant across the hips and stuff… I don’t know what it is. It’s primal. Primally HOT.

WASH YOUR HAIR
It’s hygiene dudes! No one will think you are gay if your hair isn’t caked with a week’s worth of sweat, dirt and laziness. If you run your hair through it and your hand feels defiled, it’s already WAY past the moment to wash it. Now go out there and work out which Herbal Essences product is best for you, and use it! Regularly! Rinse and repeat! This should be your new mantra.

FACIAL HAIR
Is a tricky one, but it basically goes like this:
- Little beards look ridiculous. Like a giant hairy mole under your lip. Be assured, people ARE laughing at you.
- Beards without moustaches are also out, unless you happen to idolise Abraham Lincoln, in which case it’s intellectual and sexy.
- Stubble is good so long as you keep it tame and don’t allow it to blend into your chest rug. See Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for more on this.

IT’S NEVER OKAY TO WEAR ‘LYNX’
Would you spray mustard gas on yourself? Or roll in skunk roadkill that’s been left to rot in a puddle of petrol? Of course you wouldn’t. Take note: as you walk past we aren’t losing control and ripping our clothes off while miaowing, we’re dry retching into our handbags.

I could go on. But I think these few helpful tips are enough to keep you going. If we work together, things are going to be okay. I believe in you.

Yours truly,

Sally



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